I love traveling. I love seeing the world in a whole new perspective. I love finding myself and loving myself. I love having strangers tell me I look exotic. I love feeling good without having to try. Then I come home and I feel miserable about myself again, and I keep trying to find ways to entertain myself so I don't focus on the bad. I've been called stupid, ugly, unwanted, and so many more names by so many people - I've never felt beautiful, or maybe I only choose to hear the bad because I hear it so often. My family has trouble telling me kind things because maybe there's nothing kind to say about me. I'm not special or a model, and I'm definitely not smart or rich. Nothing about me screams quality and I always feel so guilty because I don't find myself good enough for anyone. In this day & age, I thought labels have become a cliché and no longer valid... yet time and time again I feel like a walking label with "loser" written on my forehead.
Reading Holden's Loveability got me thinking how he looked or if he was good enough for someone because I certainly wasn't capable of following his words "The self you judge is not the real self; The self you love is the real you" (Holden, pp 96), but to me they're all the same and I love the self I judge. I love how empathetic I am, yet I hate how empathetic I am! I have so many qualities I choose to love, yet somehow I hate them all cohesively. Why is it so tough to see through the imperfections when I know everybody has them? I know it's from my roots where I have abandonment issues - my parents never wanted me so why would anyone else? And this mentality I keep focusing on changing and revamping my mindset to believe I am amazing and capable of great things... but deep down maybe I'm nothing more than just plain ol' me.
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