Hi, it's me in that picture! I have always been a risk taker. Someone who delighted in traveling and culturizing with the world. As a child, I constantly regret not finding myself sooner. It took me a long time to see past all the pain, to fight against being abused as a child. The scars all over my legs prove a once courageous fight I've lived through - knives against my thigh, being chased with kitchenware until I locked myself up in the room to hide. That is why I have become fearless. I've learned to not expect much from people and to just get things done on my own. "So what is a word? A word is nothing by itself. It's just a symbol. That's all. It doesn't define love; it just tells us we are speaking of love" (Holden, 2013, pg 43)
I never had money to travel. Our family never had enough to grocery shop either so it would be a lot of stealing and doing things to help us get by. My parents couldn't afford to take care of me, so after being sent off to the US at 13 years old, it took a lot of survival skills to finish high school. Once I graduated, I immediately started working and saved every penny and nickel to travel. I wanted to see the world and run away hoping to find somewhere I belonged... did I belong anywhere? I backpacked all around Europe and traveled high and low to find a place I wanted to stay while working in cafes and random gift shops, hoping somewhere I'd feel loved and at home. I've gotten things stolen, been ripped off because I was a tourist, been touched by strange men the wrong way, and none of these things brought me closer to home. I've learned that despite being able to experience the world, I wanted someone to experience it with. I wouldn't find that anywhere, I had to first find it in me to love myself - I traveled because I didn't see a light at the end of the tunnel, nor did I see myself ever being happy without first finding out who I was. I came back to California enlightened, however, still feeling much more incomplete than ever. Then I came to an epiphany, that love holds all the good memories. It isn't the current moment or time, not the person you're with, but the contentment you have with those things you hold dear. Life is never perfect, but you just have to step forward and own it. Take those memories and cry when you need to because you have to do this in order to move forward. I, today, and forever, will continue moving in stride - I will fight on.
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